i recently had to take some pix and blogs off of myspace. students from where i teach found out about my myspace page. so in an effort to not lose my employment, i decided it's safer than to be sorry. it sucks...which only makes me question everything again. but myspace is so childish. yet it means a lot to other people. after all this recent drama i felt i better act my age or at least be more responsible. i'll still continue to blog on this, but not as regularly before...just save it on paper.

so the hype will pass...i was so stressed out this past week. the big show at skullys for alive's bands to watch for '06 made me nervous. people were gonna be very judgemental and have high expectations. i don't know what happened, except the first half wasn't that good, but the second half was amazing. it wasn't one of our best shows, imho. but it was great to play in front of friends, strangers, and non-believers. it seems like we won over the crowd. my friends enjoyed the progression we've made in less than a month.

i also have to get another hobby or at least focus on something else. my big, last vinyl record is coming soon. i probably won't do the record show at the end of next week either. it's just not that important to me. life is more important. i feel i'm also stressing out personally. i just wish i could meet someone who has more time. but i know someone else won't solve any of my problems or make me happy.

but alas life is good. i'm very lucky and broke. i'm gonna focus on doing solo recording and maybe recording others. probably going through my record collection and weeding out undesirables this week. also back to teaching, hopefully!

getting up early sucks...when i got to the school this morning, the teacher i was substituting for was there, wtf? why didn't my job call me and let me know, so i didn't have to drive all the way there. ah...whatever.

so i'm gonna move some records and maybe watch a movie today. i'll probably go back to sleep and work out later tonite. i can't believe this month is over. this new year passed out fast. i can't believe so much shit has happened to me in the past few days. what a new year...my dad got sick before i had to play a show on friday. it definitely shook me up. after the show, i had a high school flashback that put me in a catatonic space.

my cavendish show on sunday went very well. not too many people came, but i was alright with that. it ain't no horseshit. that's something i'm gonna live with for awhile. i could be angry about it, but i know we played well and that's all that matters to me.

i don't know if anyone reads this anymore...probably a good thing. i can be such a complainer. i just know i'm excited. i have not felt this way in long time. i wish i had someone to share everything to. i could only wish. i started to think, the kids at school don't even know about the bands i play in. they'd probably just laugh their asses off and i'd probably join them. i guess it's only as important as you make it out to be.

these past six weeks have been exhilarating and depressing. i've ignored old friends and turned into a complete hype monster. yeah, i've been excited about my side project band, only because it's never happened to me and other band affiliations i've been in. lucky for a band that started almost four months ago. and that's where the envy and guilt set in. why this band? the music isn't that great or moving, imho. it is interesting to me though and that's where the brass tax stops. everyone could stop caring about it in the next four months.

i think i've been doing things that i shouldn't be doing. it's made me act childish and unforgivable. and that's where the guilt sets in. almost as if i'm uncontrollable and can't stop the gravy train i'm on. but i know i can get off. i know i need help, my parents' divorce has left me shaken and hurt. i don't feel i have anyone that can relate to me, so i have to seek professional help and can't ignore these problems.

i've also lost confidence in myself. i don't do my solo work anymore. i rarely play guitar. i rarely go record shopping. i don't see my future or what i can productively do. i know the truth though, i have to go back to school and get a teaching certificate or at least have something i can truly fall back on. you can't put all your eggs in a music basket.

so there i've written all down. this is what i have to face and accomplish in the next month. i pray and hope i can do it...and hopefully stop hurting the people that i care about and love.

last nite's show at andyman's treehouse was a complete washout. cavendish did well, but i felt i was doing something in the past. i wasn't moving forward. i felt i had really lost the muse or the muse left me. the thought of it made me ill, i felt like bob dylan in the early 70s. lyrically i could tap into the pain and thoughtlessness of my parents divorce and my reaction to it. but it's still something too fresh to write about. or even being back in columbus, to realizing not much has changed here. sometimes this has even provoked some binge drinking...which is something i thought i had forgotten a year ago. i've even been staying up like a complete bohemian. i feel like i'm living two conflicting lifestyles. while my real peers are growing up & moving on. i'm so angry, yet i feel powerless. i feel i've lost focus.

soon i'll be older and maybe a little wiser. something tells me i shouldn't be here in ohio any longer. there's the stale air or the cold air coming that i should be afraid of.

someone recently said i've paid for my sins. but how important were they? did they actually matter, of course the answer is yes. i've met the backbone of columbus vinyl history. a slightly small history of a local big town. and somewhere i'm in the history of it. how i attained a status of 'knowing it all' when i really don't know too much.

i have basically kept myself busy in these tough times...i'm trying to hold my interest, but it's hard. i see the same run around or rumour mill that i care less about. i don't see the point except escapism. i see this as a long vacation to find out some meaning, some kerouac-like filled treasure. but the treasure seems meaningless and empty.

it's like i'm very hopeful in a sea of hopelessness. i see the answer, but i should let go of everything first. stay regular or stay insane. am i actually enjoying this? i love people, at times i should hang out with people i do care about. it's like i know my time ain't that long and i shouldn't be here.

back in cowtown, columbus blues.

twas a busy day. last nite was all rain and showers. i know i could've been more open, but you don't let alcohol influence your decisions. i don't feel i missed an opportunity. 'cause i'd rather get to know the real you. and i felt like i was back in junior high, when jackie was always trying to get my attention and i knew...but didn't do a damn thing.

i'm not even sure how to approach you. i've been out on a losing end for awhile...always looked good in other girls' arms before. all about timing!

and you'd probably get upset to know that i was still searching. searching for that great song, something i know that's inside of me. i guess i'm just waiting for the ghost or the muse to come my way again.

so i'm selling some of records in attempt to lessen my belongings. i think i was too lenient on picking what to sell and what not. i guess next month i'll take care of that.

so for the first time i'm jobless and quite bored. i'm presently looking for a job. i feel like a bum. i'll probably start recording soon and learning pro tools next month. shit...i just wish there was more to say & do.

i feel like i'm in my first year of college again. i have some money, but not a lot. i have a lot of personal belongings...that weigh me down. i don't have girlfriend either...nor the prospects for one. yeah, i have some friends and a lot of acquaintances. i know things aren't the low of lows...but i feel the trip back to ohio will be.

i feel really let down. there hasn't been anyone to talk to or relate to. most of my friends have gone & moved on. once someone found out about my family's struggles...friends fled. they'd ask how i was doing and i'd tell 'em the truth. see how they run. even my longest friend, i've known since junior high, has shut me out. i feel he's embarrassed by me. how i'm a total failure and still struggling with impractical goals.

when you're alone, you practically become your own selfish monster. i got most of the vinyl records i've ever dreamed about. i spent a lot of my savings on home recording software and hardware. and i'm still unhappy and unfulfilled as ever. something deep inside tells me, once i quit these music related interests, i'll be happier.

next year is the realization year...go back & get a teacher's certificate or slug it with the no promise or future in sight in music. there was talk to move to seattle, but it's not going to happen...in my heart i know it won't work out. i know i have to move to a center of music, if i want things to start or begin. i say a year of this...if i bomb, then three years into getting the teaching degree.

tomorrow is my last day at work. i'm coming to realization that i have not planned anything yet. does it bother me...yup. the future is unknown, and i'm not ready for it. in two or three weeks i'll be back in ohio. it'll be like i disappeared and came back. coming back to nothing except a rememberance of good times. coming back to people who i once i knew.

i wish i could run far away. far from myself, far from anyone i ever knew. i had a strange dream that i had all the fame, but still felt completely alienated. so-called friends came out of the woodworks, asking for favors and money. i turned them all down. i was acting like dee dee ramone, if you didn't want to know me back then, why know me now?

i feel i left my friends when i left ohio. they've moved on, that's part of life. i have not moved on. it's like i got buried in some desert trench and watched almost everything important to me, fall apart. some people have something they can fall back to, a family to rely on. the word famiy, is just another memory of good and bad times. all i'm waiting for is time to heal all wounds, or at least heal mine.